2:42pm Friday 14th September 2007
MUCH of the universe is still to be explained, but I believe my latest discovery defines one more key phenomenon.
Based on my observations in suburban Hampshire, Hayter's Law of Mechanics states that the smaller a machine is, the more noise it makes.
BMWs glide by while bubble cars and 2CVs rev. We all know that mopeds, the smallest two-wheelers, are about the noisiest thing on the road. And the noisiest aeroplane at Southampton Airport has three propellers and not many more seats.
Small garden devices are the same.
Titchy Strimmers and trimmers are universally loud, buzzing away while I keep going with my rusty, trusty, wooden-handled shears.
While my contribution to the summer season is a jolly clipping sound, all around me, birdsong is drowned out by Black & Deckers.
The rapidly-approaching leaf-gathering season is particularly busy in our tree-shaded road: for me, it's also embarrassing.
While the people across the way put their whining leaf-blower through its paces, I'll be wrestling with a rake and a giant pair of scissors.
Handed down through my family, the latter consists of two hinged sheets of aluminium with rod handles. It look like a mad invention from the 1950s and, quite probably, that's exactly what it is.
Even without the antique contraption, it's embarrassing for me to be seen slaving away at the front of our house.
Passers-by look firstly at the desert that is my garden. Then I feel their contemptuous gaze turn towards me. The fact that I'm wielding a large aluminium pair of scissors only adds to my discomfort.
But at least the only noise I'm making is some squeaking and the odd clank.
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