Where did we leave Westeros right before Game of Thrones season five?

Now we don’t know about you, but we’ve kind of forgotten exactly where we left all the bloodthirsty inhabitants of Westeros and their Machiavellian schemes. So we decided it was time for a recap of exactly where we left all those characters despicable enough to still be alive.

But first, who’s on the iron throne these days?

Timid young Tommen “Baratheon”, remember? Not only did his scheming grandfather Tywin Lannister install him on the throne after nasty big brother Joffrey’s death, he’s also being chatted up on a massive scale by Joffrey’s conspicuously bosomed widow Margaery. We’re pretty sure Tommen has no idea what to do with any of these scenarios.

And what’s happening across the Narrow Sea with Daenerys?

Ms Targaryen has installed herself as the benevolent dictator of Meereen, the last of the three great slave cities. Needless to say there are no more slaves there now after she vengefully nailed 163 slave-owners to posts. But Daenerys means to be more than just conqueror, and has postponed her invasion of Westeros until Meereen is settled.

Her personal life is more messy. She’s started sleeping with dubious beefcake Daario, and banished her most loyal servant Ser Jorah after discovering King’s Landing had employed him as a spy. And she’s had to lock her dragons up because they’ve been incinerating children.

In a weird side-plot, there’s smouldering sexual tension between Daenerys’ translator Missandei and warrior Grey Worm – skirting over the awkward matter of his missing genitals.

Arya Stark

Arya spent most of season four traipsing across Westeros with Sandor “The Hound” Clegane. The whole point of the trek was to reach Arya’s aunt Lysa in The Vale, however by the time they got there Lysa had already been “tragically” pushed through the Eyrie’s Moon Door.

Failing to discover that her sister was also at the Eyrie, Arya and the Hound wandered off again, only to be ambushed by Brienne of Tarth who assumes the Hound has kidnapped Arya (which he kind of did). A fight between Brienne and the Hound leaves poor Sandor mortally wounded and Arya fleeing for the hills.

Sansa Stark

By far the drippier Stark sister, Sansa is finding womanhood particularly troubling. Her forced marriage to Tyrion Lannister ended with her being implicated in her former fiance King Joffrey’s murder. And having fled to her aunt in The Vale, things only got more complicated.

Which leads us to…

Petyr Baelish

This is a man whose schemes seem to have no other purpose than to bed himself a Stark girl (presumably a hang-up from his childhood crush on Sansa and Arya’s mother Catelyn).

Having poisoned nasty little Joffrey and smuggled bewildered Sansa to the Eyrie, he later conducts a shotgun wedding with her clingy aunt Lysa. THEN he makes a pass at Sansa in a snowy courtyard, throwing Lysa into a jealous rage. Finally he pushes his new bride to her death and manages to convince her councillors it was suicide.

Tyrion Lannister

Tywin’s least favourite child was fingered for the poisoning of nasty, nasty Joffrey (really, no one can overstate how nasty he was). Sentenced to trial by combat, Tyrion was saved by Prince Oberyn who vowed to fight Gregor “The Mountain” Clegane to get revenge for the rape and murder of his sister. Oberyn’s head ends up as puree in the Mountain’s hands.

Sentenced to death by his father for real this time, Tyrion is stolen from prison by his sympathetic brother Jaime. Understandably peeved with poppa Tywin by this point, Tyrion makes a detour during his escape and fills his dear old dad full of arrows while he’s on the bog. The last we see of Tyrion is him being smuggled across the Narrow Sea in a crate with sneaky eunuch Varys.

Cersei Baratheon-Lannister

Having spent the entirety of season four out-foxxing Margaery Tyrell and trying to get her little brother executed, King Tommen’s incestuous mother is going to be hopelessly vengeful next season.

And even sex with brother Jaime won’t prove much of a relief after she discovers he let Tyrion escape AND murder their father.

Jon Snow

The hunkiest illegitimate child in Westeros is still stuck on The Wall, which (let’s be honest) is where all the action is happening. The Night’s Watch is up against an army of Wildlings, giants, and freakin’ mammoths, as well as the White Walkers, and some very poor management issues.

On top of all that, Jon watched his on-off Wildling lover Ygritte die during the assault. Which was sad, even though she was on the other side.

Bran Stark

Does anyone care? He and Hodor and the annoying magical children were attacked by skeletons and then found a weird fairy and an old bloke in a cave. We’re sure it’s significant, we just wish it wasn’t.

Theon Greyjoy

Having had his goolies sliced off by Ramsay Snow, “Reek” is now involved in some complex double-crossing in the struggle between Ramsay’s Bolton clan and his own Iron Born relatives. It’s unclear how that’s all going to pan out, but Theon looks very sad.

Stannis Baratheon

The guy that probably has the tightest claim to the iron throne is still sulking on the dank island fortress of Dragonstone. In between angry sex with witch-lady Melisandre, he’s been trying to secure a loan from the Iron Bank of Braavos – unexpectedly run by Mark Gatiss. Having done so, we can surely expect an invasion. Yes… another one.